Soccer scoop

By T. Mochama

I revere sangomas such as the Zulu witch Sebenzile Nsukwini, who think they know what's going to go down in SA during the World Cup, just coz they use sea-shell and bones. Let me make no bones and tell ya the truth — my great grandfather was a night runner in Gusii (which would explain the urge to take the shirt off when sunset descends), and I, the astrologer, can really see the future.

Group A – South Africa, France, Mexico and Uruguay. The greatest tournament in the world opens leo with the hosts, South Africa, facing Mexico in the opening clash. Regardless of who triumphs, the gods see these two progressing to the round of 16. Uruguay will win one match in the group stage, but fail to proceed. God will punish Thierry Henry for cheating Ireland out of the World Cup using 'hand of God'. Or finger – and finish France.

Group B – Argentina, Greece, Nigeria and South Korea. Diego Maradona may have rocked the 1986 World Cup as a player, but as a coach, he is an arrogant b*tthead! Nevertheless, thanks to Messi and Tevez, The Argentines will reach round two. So will our oga-oga brodaz from the West, the Nigerians. Not so Greece, with their financial crisis. As for Park 'Fungua Macho Yako' Man-U man, South Korea will get a case of cholera from eating snakes in SA.

Group C – England, Algeria, Slovenia and USA. England is notorious for making noise about "we are we are, the champions" and "the World Cup, the World Cup, is coming home", since 1966. Normally this makes a million pounds for whichever band's triumphal song hits the chart, then England crashes out of the World Cup in the quarters and blames someone – Beckham, Rooney, baloney.

But this time they'll go into round two smoothly, alongside Obama Country (aka USA) at the expense of Slovenia. Slovenly Algeria watashika mkia.

Group D – Germany, Australia, Ghana, Serbia. The mighty German juggernaut will steam-roll its way into the Round of 16, the Aussies of the land-down-under will go down under, without Essien Ghana will finish third, with the Serbs coming second in this group.

Group E – Holland, Cameroon, Denmark, Japan. Cameroon often play like cartoons, especially when Rigobert Song comes along, but this time, they'll be on song. Holland will flatten the obbo-z-shen on its way to Round of 16. Denmark will play like inexperienced teens, as Bendtner plays like a bar-tender who has partaken too much of his own liquors. As for Japan, they may as well commit hara kiri, coz sio siri, they'll be kamikazid out in Round One.

Group F – Italy, New Zealand, Paraguay, Slovakia. Italy ni wazee wa kazi, but their experience will see them huff and puff into the next round, at the expense of Paraguay who will put up an 'hooray' performance, but just lose out to the swashbuckling Slovakians.

New Zealand's 'All Whites'? Just stick to the rugby, homeboyz. Soccer ain't ya thing!

Group G – Brazil, Cote d' Ivoire, North Korea, Portugal. This is the duel of death, the 'death' being provided for by North Korea, who are dead in the water. I see Brazil on top of the window-sill, but the deadliest striker in the planet, the dragon known as Didier Drogba will see Ivory Coast through, as we sing "we miss you Cristiano Ronaldo, where are you" after Portugal falls through the hole. Football, as they say, isn't life — it's a death duel.

Group H – Spain, Chile, Honduras, Switzerland. Spain will keep the champagne alive on ice by easily topping this group, while Chile will keep the bubbly on chill by being numero two. The Swiss should stick to hiding dictators' cash, while Honduras is a tourist hot spot. Not a soccer country. See you in the next round for more habari kutoka mganga wa Tanga ya Kisii.

Source: The Standard | Online Edition